Short Sharp Pain

In order to have great happiness you have to have great pain and unhappiness - otherwise how would you know when you're happy? ~Leslie Caron

What is great pain? It’s like a fatal stab in the heart. At first, the shock is too great to register the pain. After a while, an excruciating pain ripples throughout the whole body until it become numb and oblivious to everything else.

I had had an extremely blessed day yesterday. Even the morning started on a happy note. I am glad that I had learnt to savour all the good feelings the moment they came my way, for when the blow hit me in the late afternoon, the reminiscing of the happy events didn’t make me feel any better.

It’s like my soul had taken a walk outside my shell. Everything around me moved in a strange fuzziness. Voices around me sounded far-away. I could only feel and hear the heavy thumping of my heart as if it was trying to break itself free from the tightness surrounding it.

All of a sudden, all that was ours are no longer ours. It’s a painful truth to accept. The home that had once been our haven now offers no refuge for me. Besides the fond memories of the kids’ laughter and shuffling of little feet across the floor, it now only bore pains, worries and burdens.

I had to keep my mind occupied with the silly gigs from the kids; I stretched my mouth into a wide grin with all my might on all their silly quips; for I can no longer trust my tears to stay at bay when my mind is left to wander.

I let my ears filled with the gossips from my mother-in-law; entertained the complaints of my sister-in-law; and let myself giggle till my head felt giddy.

Not to forget Rachel’s birthday celebration at night. The cake her aunt made for her was superb; the smiles on their faces were radiant; the joy they felt was evident. I sang, clapped and cheered with them, baring all the teeth I could. But why did everything seemed so unreal to me?

Feeling of vagueness engulfs me the instant I become idle. But I know I’m not alone. I have my three wonderful kids. It’s just another ordeal and I know I can survive.

I just hope the night won’t be too long.