Rebirth

Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age. ~William Feather, The Business of Life, 1949

My sleep was very unsettled. It was plagued with weird dreams of school, kids and teachers. In the dream, Rachel was still pissed off with me; Angel didn’t want to be bothered with me either; Mervin couldn’t be found… I drifted in and out o consciousness throughout the night. By morning, I woke up with a dull ache spreading slowly across my skull.

After the previous night’s shocking revelation, I tried my best to check myself all the time; doing and saying all the right things.

Resisting the urge to shoved Mervin and Angel to school for lunch, I prepared a quick and simple lunch for them. Thus, ended up they were slightly late for school as they took their own sweet time munching and chatting and giggling at the same time. Needless to say, I was nagging incessantly at the background. So much for being the model mother of the day!

We decided to walk to school instead of wasting precious time waiting for a bus. I lugged both their bags over my shoulders and strode briskly with the two of them tagging behind me. It suddenly occurred to me that I had forgotten to have my morning cup of tea and breakfast. No wonder my legs felt like jelly and by the time we reached the school, I was out of breath and nearly passed out.

On my slow walk back home, images of luxurious food and drinks flashed across my mind. It took all my willpower to refuse the Devil’s temptations as I kept telling myself that I hadn’t done anything to deserve those. I had to settle for the simple meal I had laid out for my kids earlier on.

It wasn’t easy when it came to facing Rachel. The scene from last night kept replaying in my mind. The notepad which fluttered in the wind from the fan I had placed in her room due to the malfunctioning of her air conditioner; my unexpected chance upon the page she had scribbled on angrily when I tried to shut the pad; the forcefully inscribed “I hate Mummy!” and “I hate her to the core!” staring at me starkly in my face; the shock and pain that jolted through me as I read on and realized the amount of hurt I had inflicted on her.

I didn’t wake her up to confront her on the note. I wasn’t sure when it was written but the things that she had claimed was true indeed. I had been treating them unfairly by asking them to help out in the housework while I relaxed; I had been venting my anger on them; in a way, I had made her feel like a slave.

It’s about time for me to reflect on myself and start behaving properly.

She still got nagged by me for leaving her things around, but I chose my words carefully and endeavoured to do most of the chores myself busy instead of shoving all the responsibilities to the kids. I religiously scrubbed each and every dishes stacking in the sink, did the laundry, folded the clothes and ironed their uniform. I had to tear myself off my laptop screen every hour to make more contributions to our home.

The other accomplishment I had was to finish dressing up my couch. It took most of the afternoon and I ended up with a sore thumb and many sore fingers. But at least the couch was ready to be sat on again.

Dinner was a treat on my part. My migraine was getting from bad to worse so I found the perfect excuse to order pizza for dinner. We sat in front of the TV, chomped on the cheesy slices heartily and watched the very first episode of the new Korean drama series on TV.

Like I myself, it’s another new beginning.