Ten Minutes

How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. ~Zall's Second Law

11.20pm.

My handphone rang for the fifth time from the same caller for the entire day. I looked at the overseas number and left it ringing for a few more seconds. Like giving in to a persistent child who’s vying for attention, I pressed the “answer” button reluctantly, mentally prepared to hear him rambling on the same thing he had been harping on for the past few conversations.

His voice cackled through the earpiece and almost immediately, my ear automatically switched into “hibernation” mode, but not before I caught the first few words he said.

“I’ve thought about what you have said before; we shouldn’t have set our target so high in our lives…”

Should I be happy and glad that he’s come to his sense? It didn’t come to me as a surprise when I just felt numb to his “confession”. Forgetful as I am, I couldn’t remember how many times he had promised the same things before and just revert to his old track. How do you help a leopard change its spots? I had been studying on this topic for the past years but with no avail. Cipher. Naught. Zilch. End of discussion.

Anyway, I let him rant on and on with the only intention of letting him be finished and get done with. I made a mental note to switch my handphone to “silent” mode right after his speech.

He ended, that is, almost ended the dialogue with his usual “goodbye-I-love-you”. Then, he tried to push his luck by asking for the same from me.

The request sent spasms through my body. Not by pleasure but utter disgust. I had to search my conscience painstakingly for the answer to that seemingly simple quest.

I tried my usual aversion to that blow with a quick “bye-bye” hoping he’d get what I meant and cut off the line. However, he chose to play the “I-want-means-I-want” child’s game with me.

“I don’t care. I won’t put down the phone unless you say the same to me.”

Irk!

“I’m very tired and I want to sleep now. Bye-bye.” I prayed he got it this time.

“You just say it then I’ll let you sleep. Come on, if you don’t say it, that’ll mean you don’t love me anymore. Don’t you love me anymore?”

I was trying hard to keep my dinner down. Damn. I had a heavy supper as well.

“I’m really tired. I have to sleep now.”

“Oh… Does that mean you don’t love me anymore? If you still love me then say it! I want you to say it!”

I know exactly how to handle a kid throwing tantrums; ignore him. But this is an over-sized over-aged kid with a mentality below a kid’s.

I could vaguely remember how Angel had once quipped to me that I “talk to Daddy like you don’t love him anymore” because I always sound frustrated whenever I was with him on the phone. She imitated my impatient “hmm”, “huh” and “ah” to substantiate her argument. I had counteracted with the usual “you are too young to understand what the adults are doing”. Thinking back, her innocence had enabled her to see things clearer than this supposedly “matured” adult.

My chain of thoughts was broken by an irritating purring at the other end of the phone.

“(How do you spell out the purring of a leopard? God bless you all for not having to actually hear it and torment your soul for the rest of your lives.) Why can’t you just say it? I am always the one saying it. Now I want you to say it back to me. Just say it once, just once.”

The simplest way out was to throw it back to him whatever he desired for. But it was against my principle to deceive and mislead. If only I had the heart to tell him the truth that I wasn’t really sure about what I was feeling for him then.

“I’m really tired.”

It’s the truth; physically and mentally. If only I had known what an innocent phone call would lead to, I would have avoided the call like a burning furnace. I had my just deserts for jumping right into hellish flames; burnt-out.

I supposed it’s the frustration in my voice or the resignation in my tone. Or perhaps it’s the persistence “bye-bye-bye-bye-bye-bye” I was breathing into the phone to cut off whatever he was trying to say.

“Alright, alright, I’m tired too. Bye-bye.”

With that cue, I promptly pressed the “disconnect” button and ended my turmoil. I looked at the clock in front of me.

11.30pm.

I couldn’t believe that only ten minutes had passed. It was definitely the longest ten minutes.

For once, my memory didn’t fail me. I switched my handphone to the “silent” mode.

If only I could switch myself to “silent” mode too. I spent the night in bedlam with my thoughts.