To Whom It May Concern

“When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.” ~Author Unknown

Once again, you had managed to smash my heart into a million pieces. Whenever I feel I’m well enough to go on, you’d strike again, and again, and again. Are you really that insensitive to my feelings?

Do you know what you have done to me yesterday afternoon “unintentionally”?

There was this hurt and scar I had tried and managed to cover up over the past years. But you had to unpeel the cover layer by layer until the hurt and pain surface again. If you were really that foolish and ignorant about what you had done, please recall what I had told you about your “almighty teacher” and what he had done to me.

I had thought that you had understood the shame and pain that had overwhelmed me and believed your promise that you would protect me from the same hurt and humiliation. But apparently, your love and trust for your “almighty teacher” is far greater than your concern for me. Or maybe, he had once again coaxed you into believing his “almighty powers”. Was that why you put him on the phone to me, to explain the “importance of cooperating with him to make OUR life path smoother”?

Oh yes, he was right on the part that I was young then, thus unable to understand fully the meaning of his rituals. Now I’m definitely older, and wiser, and I won’t be fooled again. You have all your freedom to believe in whatever you choose to believe. But please respect my freedom to choose my own belief too. If you think that I’m not understanding and cooperating, I’ll suggest that you find someone else who’s more understanding and willing to sacrifice her body and soul for you. Frankly speaking, I don’t mind anymore.

It’s really sad, that things have to turn out like this. There isn’t a time now that when I think of you, I can only feel the hurt and pain you left me. We did have our happy times together. Remember that day when we drove past the hospital, and you mentioned about the times we had the three wonderful kids there? Tears were swimming in my eyes. Those were the happy times. Though you weren’t earning big bucks, but our lives were stable and contented.

You took the wrong track and I waited for you to turn back each time. With each broken promise, my hope diminished a little. Believe it or not, I still had a glimmer of hope for you, even after you left last morning, you will eventually sort out your thinking and return to us. But with the strong blow you dealt with me last afternoon, I really have no idea if I can still believe in you again.

Do you know what really hold me together now? They’re the kids. If not for them, I would have quitted long ago. But I decided to hang on once and again for their sake. I’m not the only person you are disappointing, you know? Even Angel was saying in the car today that “Daddy just comes back for a while only then goes off again. It’s like he doesn’t like our home.” I tried to console her by telling her that “Daddy has to work hard for our sake.” You know how I hate to lie and be lied to. But you let me have both.

By the way, please stop saying that everything you do is “for our sake”. We are not responsible for the path that you are taking now. You chose your own path and walk it. If you really do things for our sake, there are actually so many better ways of doing it. For once, can’t you think more practically instead of aiming so high?

I’m really tired you know? Because of all the things you’ve done and are doing now, you are heavily in debt to so many people. Because of all the things that you’ve done and are doing now, you make us heavily in debt to so many people too. They are your parents, your sisters, my mother, my siblings and even my friends. These are debts you can’t repay with money alone. You keep thinking that people owe you favours all the time. In fact, most of the time you take things for granted, and you owe them much more.

Please do not call me. I do not have the energy to entertain your calls anymore. You can talk to the kids or your family side if you want to. But please let me have some peace. I’m really, really tired.

Last but not least, if I had not made myself clear just now, I DO NOT wish to have any dealings with your “almighty teacher” on the phone or in person, now or in future. You let him do whatever you let him. But leave me alone. If I’ll really make your life imperfect, I’ll gladly leave and let you find your perfect match. Let me speak to him or see him ONE MORE TIME, things will really be OVER between us. I mean it.

There is really nothing more to say. Whatever needed to be said had been said so many times.

Do you care?