Hold Me Responsible

Responsibility: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star. ~Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

I was assigned a new responsibility as of yesterday onwards. I am to coach a Primary Four boy who had difficulty in his English subject every Wednesday afternoon.

I was briefed by his teacher beforehand about his inability to pronounce words, short attention span, and hyper-activeness. There are also the possibility of not responding and occasional throwing of tantrums. Our objective is to get him interested in reading and thus enable him to tackle on his various subjects in English.

However, the first lesson went well. We introduced ourselves and tried to warm up to each other by getting into some casual chats. We were able to communicate with each other and he responded quite well to my questions. Then I got him to read up on a simple story provided by the teacher. He was willing to heed my instructions and rendered me much co-operation too.

I was really ultra-patient with him. I taught him the way I did to my kids when they were much younger, and when my mood was on the upswing. I corrected him patiently, guided him patiently, waited for him to respond patiently, and even encouraged him patiently.

After the lesson, however, there was a nudging guilt within me. I hadn’t been coaching my own kids at home recently over the excuses of busy schedules, tiring household chores… Well, I simply “have no time” to sit down with them and help them with their studies. And even at times when I really sat down with them, I would flare up at the tiniest mistake, slightest hesitation and minimum doubt. I didn’t have the least patience to start with.

The guilt kept gnawing at me. Thus, after school, I prepared a quick dinner consisting of fried bee hoon and creamy corn and mushroom soup, washed up, cleaned the stove, cleared the table and encouraged my kids to do some studies on the dining table with my guidance.

Angel took out her school’s homework and started on the spot.

Mervin hauled out his Mathematics assessment and attacked the sums.

Rachel replied matter-of-factly that she had already done her share in the morning and proceeded to play with Kristel.

Half a minute into the session, I was beginning to fret over Angel’s Chinese homework.

“How come you have forgotten how to write such a simple word? You learned it before, you know?”

“I’m NOT going to tell you the answer! Think harder!”

Mervin wasn’t spared either.

“What? You don’t even know how to do multiplication working? What have you been doing? Dreaming?”

“See what playing the whole day leads you to! You can’t even tackle such a simple sum!”

I guess Rachel was the smartest one, who managed to foresee such a situation and so escaped unscarred.

After half an hour, the dishes piling up in the sink looked an eye-sore to me. The soiled clothes in the laundry basket were getting on my nerves too. By then, Angel had completed five pages of her Chinese workbook while Mervin completed five sums.

“Why do you take so long to do one sum? You were not concentrating well enough!”

I had to leave the table and deal with the dishes piling up in the sink and load my washing machine with the day’s wash. Within the next second, Angel made a fast exit by claiming she had done enough of her work and wanted to play Gameboy as it was her turn to play today. Burying my head in the sink, I grunted an approval. Immediately after, Mervin suddenly recalled that he will be having his Chinese spelling the next day and wanted to study for his spelling instead. With my head in the washing machine, I mumbled consent not before chiding him for his inefficiency again.

I spent another half an hour in the kitchen while the kids holed up in my room.

Sigh.

An unsuccessful attempt.

I was once again drowned in guilt and poured out my woes to my best pal.

Forever supportive and encouraging, she sent me the following message:

“Coaching your own kids and other kids is a different matter. You risk killing your own.”