On Shaky Ground

Pain reaches the heart with electrical speed, but truth moves to the heart as slowly as a glacier. ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

Someone was dismissed from the office today. There was no prior notice, no pre-warning. Just a few words from some people and the five years of service was reduced to naught. You were immediately sentenced to death.

Suddenly, the ground shook. Everything that once looked stable trembled in the cold air. Hopes are so easily dashed and dreams as easily shattered. Humanity does not exist in reality most of the time. All that I had believed was like a fantasy. I shuddered.

My mood was dampened for the rest of the day. Everybody in the office was exceptionally quiet throughout the day. All of us were constantly watching over our backs in case we become the next target. There were many speculations, but none was confirmed. The atmosphere was terrible.

My nasty mood followed me even when I met kids for dinner after work. Rachel pleaded with me to buy two storybooks for her. While paying for them, my mind drifted to the balance left in my bank account, which was quickly diminishing due to the approaching festive season. It was too late before I could stop myself from throwing her an icy glare and an even icier accusation,

“Must you choose the time when I am most financially-deprived to buy these things?”

Almost instantly, I regretted. The hurt in her eyes was so raw, it pained me. I had not been angry with her but with myself. I was frustrated with my inability to grant her with such a simple wish. I had thought that after I started working, I could provide them with more things they deserved. In the end, there is still so much I cannot give. And I just made things worse by venting my frustration on her.

I bought dinner for them at Burger King and tried to make things up by plastering a smile on my face and making small talks. But the superfluous effort proved to be in vain as my mind couldn’t get past the day’s event and the concern that my resources were drying up fast and a bleak future outlook. Soon after, I was back to staring blankly into the air in front of me.

We decided to shop for Angel’s and Mervin’s Chinese New Year clothes since we were in town. We headed to the nearest departmental store and spent nearly an hour there. The clothes were appealing but the price-tags churned my stomach. Mervin and Angel saw many clothes which they loved but I could not afford. This time, I held my tongue.

We ended up heading home empty-handed, saved for the two prized books Rachel obtained. Along the way, I settled some of my severely-overdue bills which further shrunk my bank account by half.

“I can’t print money quickly enough to cover my expenditures,” I had joked to my colleagues while in the office.

Only now, it’s no longer funny.

I need a miracle.